


Radio Silence

by madamewriterofwrongs



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bobby is Buck's Dad, Confessions, Evan "Buck" Buckley Whump, Feels, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Injury, Love Confessions, Major Character Injury, Platonic Love, Radio, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:54:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25660933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamewriterofwrongs/pseuds/madamewriterofwrongs
Summary: “Don’t worry, we’re on our way to you.”“No.” His halting voice echoed through the radios gathered around the truck and everyone stopped. Eddie kept running. “The whole quadrant’s unstable. Sweep’s done. It’s not safe.”Bobby was going to have a long talk with him about his self-sacrificing habits. For now, he kept his words calm and authoritative; for both their sakes. “None of that, you just hold still. Are you injured?”There was silence. Around him, the paramedics and firefighters of the 118 waited with bated breath. “Pretty bad.” There was little humor in his voice, though they could hear him trying. “My head. And uh, hahaha,” his laughter came as a gust of air. “I’ve been impaled?”*Upped rating to M for graphic descriptions of injuries
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 145
Kudos: 1038
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *As film and television have taught me: we’re ignoring how radios work for the sake of dramatic effect*
> 
> This is purely for the angsty feels but I promise it will have a happy ending...in Chapter Two. Which I will post tomorrow.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Thank you to [Zee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz) for beta-ing <3
> 
> Check out my tumblr [madamewriterofwrongs](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/madamewriterofwrongs/blog/madamewriterofwrongs)

Nearly the entire building had collapsed before the 118 even arrived on the scene. Neighbors had been complaining about it being structurally unsound for years. The city of Los Angeles, of course, had other priorities beyond tearing down a dilapidated apartment complex in a dilapidated area of the city.

They were just glad someone had called when they saw a group of teenagers running inside and then the roof caved in a minute later.

Bobby was first out of the truck, assessing the scene and quickly doling out instructions for the impending search. Find the kids, don’t get killed. That was all they had to do.

As they worked, more sections of the apartment collapsed around them, leading to several close calls but everyone kept their guard up and stepped around the falling debris. It took hours to find all of the teens, who had scattered to the four corners when the initial collapse occurred. Night had fallen over the community and the overtime firefighters were anxious to get home to their loved ones once their job was done.

Spending that much time looking for kids in danger, was taking a toll on the entire crew.

But their job was done. All of the victims had been found and were headed towards the nearest hospital for treatment of their minor injuries. It was time to pack up and get out of there. Bobby stood outside of the derelict structure and keyed his mic to call his people home.

“Everyone, sound off.”

One by one, he heard the crew’s voices crackle over the radio.

“Diaz, all good.”

“Han and Wilson safe and sound.”

“Jackson calling in.”

“McKenna all clear, Cap. I got eyes on Anderson but he’s got his hands full because _someone_ found a cat.”

He chuckled; that was the third cat he had found that month. It’s like the man had a sixth sense about rescuing strays.

In all that time, Bobby still hadn’t heard from the youngest member of the team.

“Buckley sound off.”

His request was met with static.

He tried again. “Buck.”

When he still received no reply, he made another radio call. “Anyone got eyes on Buck?”

He was met with a series of ‘no’s, both over the radio and in person, as everyone emerged from the building; safe and sound.

Everyone except Buck.

Bobby made eye contact with Eddie as the last to return, concern reflected on both their faces. If they didn’t hear from Buck soon, they’d have to send someone in after him.

As if the universe had heard their internal dilemma, a faint voice whispered over the radio “Cap?”

The man was quick to respond, heart beating ahead of his worried mind. “Buck, where are you?”

“Fell.” Every word came out ragged and choppy, like the boy was struggling to breathe. “Uh, third floor, west corner. Floor collapsed.” His eyes fell to the ground, wholly focused on Buck’s whimpering voice. “Don’t know where I am. S’dark.”

Bobby didn’t have to look up to know Eddie was already headed to the truck to grab some rappelling gear and a med kit. Hen and Chimney ran off to the last ambulance, to prepare a gurney for their friend’s arrival. The others paced restlessly between packing up equipment and anxiously awaiting another word from their colleague. He knew they trusted Eddie to rescue Buck – and the less people inside that building, the safer they would both be. Waiting outside was the best course of action. He hoped.

“Don’t worry, we’re on our way to you.”

“No.” His halting voice echoed through the radios gathered around the truck and everyone stopped. Eddie kept running. “The whole quadrant’s unstable. Sweep’s done. It’s not safe.”

Bobby was going to have a long talk with him about his self-sacrificing habits. For now, he kept his words calm and authoritative; for both their sakes. “None of that, you just hold still. Are you injured?”

There was silence. Around him, the paramedics and firefighters of the 118 waited with bated breath. “Pretty bad.” There was little humor in his voice, though they could hear him trying. “My head. And uh, hahaha,” his laughter came as a gust of air. “I’ve been impaled?”

The world stopped breathing.

Bobby shot a look at Hen and knew he hadn’t imagined those words. She pressed her radio without taking her eyes off of him. “What?”

Buck cleared his throat and it gurgled as he spoke. He was coughing up blood, she thought. “Metal bar through my lower abdomen, pretty centered. About an inch thick and protruding about eight inches.” The only sound over the radio became a small whimper before Buck confessed “I can’t feel my legs.”

The remaining members of the team glanced at one another; a mixture of worry, fear, and uncertainty painting their faces. They all knew what that meant was well as Buck did.

This wasn’t good. It was one thing for their accident-prone firefighter got himself pinned by debris. It was another for him to catch a sharp edge and find himself impaled. It was quickly heading towards a worst-case scenario if he couldn’t feel his legs and his lungs were filling with blood.

Hen turned to Chimney, just to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. His wide eyes and somber frown confirmed that this was real. Why did Buck always get into the most life-threatening situations? Even Chimney with his rebar and stabbing, wasn’t as bad as Evan Buckley.

And now they had to find him. Quickly. If he was paralyzed down there – if he was bleeding to death…

“Ah, uh,” Hen cleared her throat when she cued her mic but no words came out. She had to stay focused. Keep her mind on the job, on the things she could control; on the facts. “Can you feel the bottom of it? Where the bar ends?” Wherever he was now, Eddie needed to know what he was walking into.

She sent up a thank you and a curse to whoever was listening that Buck was able to leave his radio on while he attempted her request. They’d know the minute anything changed, but it also meant the entire crew on site had to listen to the pained cries of their friend. Hen opened her eyes when he finally spoke again. “It goes into the floor. I can’t move it.”

Okay, if he couldn’t move the bar, and he was losing feeling in his lower extremities, Eddie would need to cut the bar down. He’d need more equipment than he took with him. What if he got there and Buck couldn’t be transported? What if it was too late? No. That boy was nothing if not resilient.

The fear climbing in her heart choked the words from her mouth. She knew she needed more information – had to keep him talking to boot – but she couldn’t speak. Hen helplessly looked to her captain for guidance.

Bobby had his back to her, directing Halden and Wilkes to follow after Eddie with a backboard, saw, and extra medical supplies; and the two men ran into the crumbling building without hesitation.

She turned back to her partner, imploring him to help her find the words.

Chimney nodded and turned on his own radio. “Can you feel if you’re bleeding anywhere?” Anywhere on the outside. Anywhere that they could see and fix as soon as Eddie got to him.

A few more grunts and groans and Buck came back with the best clinical report he apparently could muster. “Back of my head, my arm. Around the pipe but only when I breathe.”

That was good. The pipe was stemming the bleeding around the wound for now, though it had clearly done some damage on the inside. But the way he sounded – slurring and thick – told him that Buck’s head injury was more serious than he realized. Chimney could only hope that Eddie and others made it in time. “Can you move your chest or your head at all?” What kind of mobility did he have? How easy would it be for the rescue team to get to him? He had to get as much information from him ~~before~~ in case he lost consciousness.

“AH!” Many of the crew jumped at the cry of pain blasting through their radios. “No” Buck hissed. “It hurts like a” he was cut off by another agonizing groan. “What do I do? Hen, what do I do?”

Hen gasped, fumbling for her radio, desperately trying to ignore the way he pleaded her name.

“Okay, uh, you’re going to lie very still, don’t move your head too much.” She really hoped her voice sounded soothing. “You’re gonna put just a little bit of pressure around the intrusion. I want you to focus on expanding your ribs outward, breathing through your sides. Try not to disturb the bar, okay?”

“Okay.”

It was so difficult to diagnose his injuries from his strained words and a few moans that would haunt her nightmares for a little while. She hoped they were doing enough.

“We’re coming for you, Buck” she promised.

* * *

Five minutes of vague silence – punctured by the sounds of Buck’s labored breathing – had Bobby pressing on his radio. “How’s it going, guys?” He prayed for good news.

Eddie’s voice came a few seconds later. “Cap, he was right. This whole section has caved in, there’s no safe access from above. We might have to come at it on an angle.” Not the best news but there was no reason to lose hope just yet. He opened his mouth to instruct Eddie to follow his instincts, when he was interrupted by another voice.

“You’re not going to make it in time.”

There was no way for Bobby to know if Buck was being his usual dramatic, self-sacrificing self, or if he was genuinely that close to…

Eddie responded first. “Don’t talk like that. We’re on our way.”

The firefighter rattled off a few more details about how he and the other men would move south and attempt to rappel down one floor at a time, working their way over to Buck’s last known location.

Then painful silence fell again.

“Chim?”

The sound was so small, he almost hadn’t heard it. Chimney scrambled to reply.

“Yeah buddy, what do you need?”

“Promise me you’ll take care of Maddie. She deserves to be happy and you make her happy.” His stomach dropped. He knew what this was.

“We’re not doing this Buck.” He knew his voice sounded dangerously strict, but he couldn’t hear much over his heart pounding in his ears. If Buck was making this request it meant…

“Please.” The whimper broke his heart.

The paramedic closed his eyes, sending up a plea to whoever was listening that he would never have to keep his word. “I promise.”

“I’m really sad I’m not gonna meet my niece.”

His laughter came out weaker than he would have liked. “How do you know it’s a girl?”

“I just know these things.” The radio crackled with the sounds of more laborious breaths. “You’re a good friend, Howie. You were always like a brother even before you met Maddie. Like an obnoxious older brother.”

He turned to Hen, lost, and angry that he was being forced to say goodbye to another brother; another man he’d come to love who might be leaving too soon. Worse, he needed to comfort him because neither of them was allowed to give up hope just yet. “Only because you acted like a bratty little brother” he chided gently.

The smile in his voice was evident, even if all the warmth was gone. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Silence didn’t stretch nearly as long this time. “Hen?”

She tried to cut him off, tears already forming. “Buck, no”

“You’re gonna be a great doctor. I’ve never met anyone who cares so much about every person they treat. You never give up. And you’re super smart.” His breathing wasn’t labored, she realized, he was crying. “You were so nice to me even when I didn’t deserve it. And you believed in me from the beginning. Thank you.”

The rest of the team fell away as she soaked up the words of the young man she adored. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye. “Always, sweetheart.”

Another weightless laugh. “Now I know it’s bad.”

“No, no I- we gotta keep you talking so we can find you, right?” Hen knew her mistake the moment she’d called him ‘sweetheart’. She’d used the same voice she used on young victims who needed to keep fighting because she couldn’t save them on her own. The voice she used when she fought like hell but it wasn’t always enough. She wished she was down there with him.

“We’re on our way.”

“Okay.” A series of gurgles and sputters made every one of them wince with the implication. He was fading faster than they realized.

“Hey Brady?” All eyes turned to the young firefighter and he paled, but responded hesitantly.

“Yeah, Buck?”

“I know you’re the one who keeps eating my yogurt. You can have the rest of it.”

The man was dying and he took the time to single him out for stealing a few yogurt cups? Typical Buck. They must have known each other for close to four years and while they didn’t have the bond he shared with others, Buck was a good man and a good friend; no way would he deny him his menial comforts. “I’ll remember you said that when you’re back at the station.” He hoped his emphasis on ‘you’re’ wasn’t too obvious.

As it was, Buck lapsed into his strenuous silence once again and the entire crew exchanged worried looks.

There wasn’t much they could do. Any more people going down there could potentially cause a partial or complete collapse, trapping even more. But this was Buck – their friend and brother – every single one of them knew that he’d risk life and limb to rescue them. Besides, Eddie was on his way. The other thing that every single one of them knew, was that Eddie Diaz would stop at nothing to rescue Evan Buckley.

They just prayed he’d make it in time.

* * *

Minutes or hours could have past for the people above ground. An eternity of waiting had a few of them pacing back and forth. Bobby had contemplated sending the crew home, keeping only the necessary personnel, but he couldn’t bring himself to force any of them away. They were all tired and worried; none of them would get much rest until they knew that Buck was safe.

Bobby sent up a prayer to whoever might be listening tonight. _Please be safe_.

“How’re you doing, kid?”

He hoped Eddie was getting close, because the shaking, wheezing breaths were only getting worse.

“My hands are cold” Buck whimpered. “I’m tired.”

He had never heard the man sound so small; so young. His mind flashed back to a time when he would tuck a small boy into bed despite his protests of not being sleepy. Of reading bedtime stories and listening to his day. Of holding Buck’s hand at the hospital after his tracheotomy. Of sitting in the chapel while they awaited news of his leg surgery. 

“Keep holding on” he begged.

“Bobby?” The shift in Buck’s voice was immediate. The captain steeled his heart, feeling powerless to stop the oncoming tsunami of emotions. He never wanted to have this conversation with any of his people – ever. It had broken his heart with Chimney three years ago and that was when they barely knew each other. Now? To Buck?

He gripped his radio a little harder than necessary. “We’re coming, kid.”

“Thanks for not firing me.” Of all the things, he imagined Buck would say…he almost laughed.

“Which time?”

The sound which echoed through the radio brought them to tears. The wheezing, guttural, wet groan of a man no longer able to laugh. Somewhere behind him, he heard Hen break into a single sob.

“Fair point.” Bobby waited breathlessly for Buck to continue. “The first time, a couple months in. When I was just a dumbass kid who didn’t know anything. Now I’m a dumbass kid who knows what an honour it is to serve with every one of you.” Around him, many of the 118 bowed their heads or looked away. Maybe he should have sent some of them home. No sense in all of them listening to their friend… none of them would leave Buck in his hour of need. No matter what.

With every word out of that boy’s mouth, the urge to go down there and rescue Buck himself grew stronger and stronger. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust the three who were already there; he just couldn’t stand to hear him cry.

“You’ve taught me so much, Bobby. You gave me relationship advice, you taught me how to tie a tie, you taught me how to cook, you taught me about the kind of person I want to be. You’re more of a dad than mine ever was.” Bobby swallowed the lump in his throat. “And I’m not-I’m not trying to replace the family you lost but.” Buck’s voice was more a series of gravelly whispers than any real notes of life. “I really hope you’ve found something here at the 118. ‘Cause we are a family.”

Bobby surrendered and wiped the tears falling down his cheeks. He choked on the air around him as answered back “we sure are, kid.” This boy who’d become a man, who’d become someone he cared about more than he should as his captain. He knew that he’d let Buck get away with a lot over the years; knew that sometimes his feelings overpowered his senses when it came to the people he cared about. He’d never been able to pinpoint what it was that made him so fond of Buck. Now he had the words.

They were family.

* * *

Some of them suspected what would happen next. Their friend and colleague seemed to be making the rounds, saying goodbye to the people closest to him. No one had any way of knowing how bad the damage was – how close he was to losing consciousness or whether he might walk again. All of them, trained professionals, knew what his list of injuries could potentially mean. The fact that he was fighting to stay awake was a good sign. The fact that he was saying his goodbyes, filled their hearts with dread.

Even if they suspected what would happen next, nothing could have prepared them for actually hearing it.

“We’re almost to you, Buck, just hold on.” Eddie calmly spoke over the radio.

“Eddie.” Buck’s voice came out as a whimper and those who hadn’t known the truth, now knew where their conversation was headed.

Eddie knew it, too. “Don’t you dare” he bit.

“I’m sorry. I told you I’d never leave again. I don’t want to.” Buck’s return to the 118 late last year had been hard on all of them – Eddie especially. Their renewed bond had been hard won. Somehow, this apology felt different.

“You’re not going to.”

“Tell Christopher I’m sorry,” Buck’s gasp rippled through the speaker. “I’m sorry for missing our trip to the science centre. I know he was really looking forward to it.”

“We can reschedule that for after you’re recovered. He’ll understand.” With every word, they could hear Eddie’s resolve hardening. Hen looked to Chimney with the knowledge that he also had tears in his eyes. What must Eddie’s face look like? Especially in the months since the train derailment (and certainly since the tsunami), they’d noticed how close Buck and Eddie had become; how much they relied on each other. The looks that weren’t as subtle as they thought but projected so much longing. They couldn’t imagine the look on their friend’s face now, as he made his way to towards the man he-he certainly cared about a lot.

“He’s a great kid. The best. He’s been through so much and I.” Buck’s voice was fading fast. “I hope he gets to be happy.”

Eddie’s words cut through the static with a sharp determination. “You’re gonna be there to see it, Buck, just hold on.”

The juxtaposition of the two men’s conversation was unsettling. The more Eddie’s voice hardened, forcing himself to focus on the job, the more Buck’s words softened and faded away, dissolving into sobs and whimpers.

“I wondered if I might love you” he whispered. “If we were more than friends. I mean you are my best friend. And we’re both smoking hot.” More gurgling and sputtering meant that he was coughing up more blood. After a silence, they strained to hear Buck’s confession. “And I trust you. I never figured it out but.” More agonizing silence. “I’m really happy I got to know you, Eddie Diaz. Thank you. For everything. All of you.” A chorus of gasps filled the air as he spoke. “Thank you fo”

True silence.

No more wheezing or gasping.

No more shifting rubble.

Pure silence.

Bobby was the first the break out of his spell. “Buck?”

Chimney called out a moment later, more of a growl than a plea. “Buck, come on.”

“Buck, wake up, I’m almost there.” Eddie voice showed less and less emotion. Informative and commanding. He was too far gone. “You just gotta hang on, okay?”

They strained their ears, hoping to catch some sign of life in the darkness of the rubble; anything to restore the hope that was slowly draining away. So far, there was nothing. Without the staggered breathing through the radio, the static seemed deafening. No one dared turn their radio off or even down. What they needed was a miracle.

Bobby keyed his mic and prayed. “Eddie, how’s it going?”

“I can’t find him, Cap.” The tiniest hint of desperation shone through and a few more lost hope. If Eddie was worried – if Eddie was losing hope – no one on the surface stood a chance.

“Keep looking. Don’t stop until you find him” Bobby pleaded. There was no doubt in his mind that Eddie would continue his search regardless of his commander’s order, but it gave him the excuse if he was every questioned for his actions later.

They never left a man behind, but Eddie Diaz would claw through solid earth to get Evan Buckley back.

* * *

The call came a few minutes later; a cry of relief so loud it pierced the night and into the next morning.

“He’s here.” The 118 held their breaths, waiting for more information, waiting for a sound confirming that Eddie had finally made it to Buck. They’d be able to hear over Buck’s radio that Eddie was near. They’d know the minute he was finally safe.

What they received was not a confirmation of safety, but a broken, whispered, sob. “Oh god.” Whatever he saw down there, had shattered him.

Then Eddie was back on his own microphone, hastily calling out instructions. “I uh, I need the saw. And the basket rigged up. I have to bring him up with the rod intact.”

Bobby didn’t have to ask the other men with Eddie to know that help as on its way down to him. “It’s coming to you” he promised.

Later, they might wonder if Eddie realized that Buck’s radio was still on. While they waited for news that the equipment had landed, all they could do was listen as the man utter gritted words over a wavering voice.

“Come on Buck, you gotta stay with me. You’re not gonna leave me. I’m not gonna lose someone else like this. Okay? Come on.”

A few moments later, Bobby called out for an update. “Eddie?”

“I got it, Cap” he confirmed. “I’ll let you know when he’s ready.”

There was a distinctive click as Eddie turned off his own radio to concentrate on his work. He was clearly still close enough to Buck’s microphone that it picked up his voice clearly. Between saws and bandages, the 118 listened to Eddie plead with his best friend.

“Wake up, Buck, come on. God, you’re so stubborn. You just had to get injured, right? It’s been a whole, what, three months since you’ve been in the hospital? I bet the nurses miss you.” There was a brief pause as he switched tactics. “That one nurse who hit on you in the cafeteria last time – Stacy, I think – she, uh, she asked me for your number. I didn’t give it to her but if we see her again, maybe I will.”

Chimney sat down beside his partner in the back of the ambulance, legs collapsing under the weight of Eddie’s intentional goading. Everyone knew that Buck wasn’t interested in Nurse Stacy but Eddie needed to hear him say that himself. He wouldn’t.

“Come on.” He sniffled, and Bobby closed his eyes against the sound of his firefighter losing his composure. “You gotta take Christopher to the science centre, remember? You gotta be awake for that. He’s gonna want to drag you around to all the exhibits and show off all the things he’s learning about at school. I bet he could match you for trivia knowledge.” His chuckle held no weight and was met with only silence.

“He, uh, he loves you. And I know you love that kid more than anything. That’s why, uh.” The crew exchanged concerned looks, some feeling guilty for listening in on such a private moment but not daring to interrupt. “If anything ever happened to me, I need someone who can look after him. My parents will have custody but, they don’t know what he needs here. I put a clause in my will that they can’t move him again, they can’t bring him back to Texas. Christopher needs his family but he’s happier here.” The break in his speech felt deliberate, like Eddie was realizing the truth of his words as he spoke.

“We both are. And that’s mostly thanks to you, Buck. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t been there for us. You took an interest in my son’s life and you helped him get the care I couldn’t provide for him. You were my anchor after Shannon died and then I watched a ladder truck destroy so much of our lives.” A chorus of gasps filled the silence as some caught up with the desperation hidden in his words.

Not so hidden anymore.

“God, that stupid bombing” he burst. “Your leg and the lawsuit and the embolism and the god damn tsunami. You saved my son. I didn’t even know he was in danger and you brought him back to me. I know you blame yourself but I never did.”

All of them had heard about Buck’s actions during the tsunami – even if he never talked about it himself – but to hear Eddie piece it all together, to hear him talk about what it almost cost him. A small sob broke out from one of the newer firefighters.

“You’re not alone, you know.” They almost didn’t hear his confession. “I know you’ve been feeling lonely, and worried about everyone leaving you. But I won’t. Christopher and me: you’re stuck with us forever, now.” Those who knew Eddie best could hear the faux threat in his voice but the others only heard the heartbreaking plea. “You’ve come to mean so much to him. He needs you.” His words were quiet and broken. “I think I need you, too.”

Bobby contemplated throughout Eddie’s speech whether he should interrupt and tell him that he could still be heard, but getting Buck out was his first priority and if Eddie needed to talk to get everyone out safely, he’d speak with the others later about maintaining silence on the issue. He had a feeling they would already know.

“I was going to tell you all this over dinner.” His voice seemed almost jovial now, if it weren’t interspersed with cracks and whimpers. “If I ever got up the courage to ask. The minute you’re out of the hospital, I’m gonna tell you” he promised. “So you have to wake up okay?”

Hen would ask others later (privately) if they’d heard it, but even though no one else confessed to it, she swore she heard Eddie’s whispered prayer.

“Please come back to me.”

Even without his confession, Hen was openly crying; silent tears running down her face. No one dared to break the spell until they knew what would happen next.

A moment later, Eddie’s radio clicked to life and he spoke with clipped, measured tones. “Cap? He’s ready.”

Bobby almost didn’t dare to ask but he needed to know. Needed some semblance of hope or his fears confirmed. No more waiting in the in-between.

“How are his vitals?”

Eddie was silent a moment before he came back with the same façade over his voice. “I can’t feel a pulse and I can’t do proper chest compressions at this angle” he informed them all. “He’s lost a lot of blood and I think” they all heard the words he didn’t say. “we need to get him out of here.”

“We will” Bobby promised – though he wasn’t sure he believed himself at this point. It took a lot of break Eddie Diaz while on the job. Whatever he saw down below was enough to give everyone second-hand nightmares.

Soon, it would be their own nightmares as Buck was set to return to them shortly. No one dared imagine what they might see.

There was a snap and a lot of rustling as Eddie loaded Buck onto the provided backboard. Finally, he replied “good to go” with no emotion left in his voice.


	2. Chapter 2

In the hospital, Chimney refused to describe what he’d seen to Maddie for hours. He called her from the ambulance and explained what had happened and the basics of her brother’s injuries. But when she asked him how Buck looked when Eddie and the others finally carried him to the surface, he hesitated. She was a nurse, she told him; she’d seen her brother get crushed by a ladder truck, cough up blood, tended to his wounds after he was stuck in a tsunami. She could handle this.

Maddie cried when he told her about the metal pipe Eddie had been able to saw down until it was only a few inches on either side. Buck had been right in his description, it had pierced straight through his abdomen, just beside his navel. In addition, his right arm had broken in three places, the bone protruding from midway up his forearm. Both of his legs were torn and bruised, and his left had a fracture from the angle of the fall. His hip had been dislocated as well as both of his knees. Along his spine, they could see punctures where sharp ruble had pierced his flesh. No part of his back was unbruised, taking on a rainbow of greens, purples, and blacks. His head had been heavily wrapped but was already bleeding through and Eddie had explained that a piece of cement had broken through to his skull. Chimney was the one to drive the ambulance to the hospital when no one dared ask Eddie to let go of Buck’s hand.

They didn’t find his pulse until they were two minutes from the hospital doors. The monotonous beep of a lifeless heart would remain a constant background in Eddie’s head for months.

They all kept their promise and hadn’t talked to him about what they’d heard down there. The man paced back and forth, checking in with every passing nurse and doctor almost as often as Maddie. His hair grew unruly and wild from the amount of times his hands passed through in an attempt to keep busy. Now wasn’t the time to bring any of it up but the echo of his words stayed with them as the crew of the 118 sat around the waiting room.

For hours, people came and went. Some of them had families to get home to, or shifts to work. Bobby was in and out as often as he could, stopping by whenever they dropped off a victim throughout the day. As much as he wanted to stay, he had 20 other firefighters who relied on him to lead them and protect them. He couldn’t let them down, too.

Hours turned into days.

Days turned into weeks.

Buck was out of surgery but he hadn’t woken up.

One by one, the 118 were forced to leave and return to their lives while they awaited news of their brother. After the first two weeks of shifts where Eddie had struggled to focus on anything but his phone, awaiting updates, Bobby took him off the roster and labelled it ‘paid leave’ until he was in a better mental state. He now spent his time between home and the hospital. When he wasn’t holding Buck’s hand, he was holding his son.

Maddie did the same but kept most of scheduled shifts at dispatch; if she couldn’t help her brother, she would help others in need. But as soon as her shift was done, she was at his side until Chimney dragged her home for a few hours of lying down, if only for the sake of the baby.

He hadn’t been able to say much about the experience after he told Maddie what had happened. The swirling guilt and anger and fear were still on the tip of his tongue whenever he thought about Buck forcing him to make that promise. The second thing he would do when Buck woke up, would be to smack him for putting him through that. The first thing he was going to do, was hug that man and never let go.

Hen spent as much time as she could at Buck’s bedside but she kept her shifts and had two beautiful children and a wife to go home to; a reminder of how precious life was. Every prayer she sent out at night was about keeping her family safe and together. All of them.

* * *

When Buck opened his eyes, he was alone.

Everything was heavy and sinking in waves, the lights too bright and the sounds too loud for him to fully concentrate. With some considerable effort, he was able to look at the ceiling without feeling the need to vomit, which he took as a good sign.

 _What the hell had happened_?

Flashes of darkness and pain felt distant – muffled underwater – in his brain.

_Fell. Don’t know where I am._

_It’s not safe._

_I’ve been impaled._

_I can’t feel my legs._

His words echoed back to him in rapid succession, catching in his chest until he felt the familiar pull of stitches against his abdomen. Lifting his hand up to feel the wound was a challenge in itself; his muscles were stiff from disuse and his arms were wrapped and cast to the middle of his bicep. With shaking fingers, he pulled his hand across his body to touch where he expected the ghost of a metal pipe.

Instead, he found thick stitches pulling at his skin underneath his pale blue gown. He hadn’t felt the initial sting as he fell and he could barely feel where his skin would scar over with time. It was like it had never happened.

Except.

Buck closed his eyes, gathering whatever resembled courage, and attempted to lift his head. It was a slow process, every muscle in his neck spasmed with the movement and his breath hitched with every jolt of pain. But it was nothing compared to the blinding buzz in his ears.

At the end of his bed, he could see two legs, completely intact (though both were more gauze and plaster than flesh). He sent every ounce of strength not devoted to watching his legs, down to the ends of his feet and prayed for a miracle.

The moment he saw his baby toe twitch, he released his head back on to his pillow, unshed tears finally flowing with relief.

He closed his eyes and sent up a silent thank you to whoever might be listening. Every bone in his body might ache, but at least he could feel it.

“Hey.” He rolled his chin towards the open door, spotting an angel with relief in her eyes.

“Hey, Hen.” Buck didn’t recognize his own voice, gravelly and dull as it was. Even the idea of moving his vocal folds felt like a stretch, but the more he used them, the easier it became. “I’m alive.”

Hen’s face dissolved into a pained expression, her face compressed and contorted, and it broke Buck’s heart. “You-you weren’t there for a minute. A couple minutes.” He watched as she struggled to turn her lips into a smile. “Gave us a real scare.”

The words she wasn’t saying scared him even more. _A couple minutes_. That meant Buck had died at some point in this journey that he was struggling to remember. His friends had watched him die if only for a few minutes. That wasn’t-he couldn’t-there was nothing he could say to make that better.

“I’m sorry” he tried.

It had been the wrong thing to say, apparently. Hen’s eyes turned to stone and her jaw clenched even as she spoke. “Don’t ever do that again” she warned.

Of all the times Buck had been horribly injured, not being able to remember this one that had apparently shaken his friend to her core, seemed especially cruel. He tried to apologize. “I didn’t realize how unstable that floor was.”

“Not that.” Hen’s snap was firm but quiet, putting the lid on some unexpressed emotion for Buck. “Do you remember anything after you fell?”

Did he…

What had happened after the fall?

He remembered the ground giving way beneath him and everything falling before he even realized he was falling. He must have blacked out, because he woke up to the sound of Bobby calling his name. Everything had hurt and yet he couldn’t feel a thing.

He was scared.

But then, Eddie said he was coming for him and he didn’t feel scared any more.

They’d asked him to check for injuries and he’d managed to feel the back of his head. The blood he’d found there was thick and dark and more of it came pooling out of his mouth. The longer he fought to stay awake, the harder it became.

 _They’re not going to make it in time_.

He remembered that thought crossing his mind but then sticking like flypaper and never releasing.

After that…

Buck’s own words came rushing back to him – at least what he thought were his words – maybe he had merely dreamt them. The heartbroken look on Hen’s face told him it hadn’t been a dream.

“I said goodbye.” Hearing it out loud only cemented his disbelief. He really had thought he was going to die and he really thought it would be his last chance to speak to the people who’d become his family over the past three years.

“Don’t you ever do that again.” Hen’s warning came shakier, her footsteps heavy as she moved towards him. At his bedside, she placed a hip on the edge of the mattress and reached a hand out to brush the hair off of his face. He appreciated that she put very little weight on the bed and kept her movement gentle. With every pass of her hand, he was reminded of how sore every muscle was. How tense he felt. How damaged and disconnected his body felt.

_How must he look after all this time?_

All thoughts melted away as Hen continued to gently pet his hair. The constant motion was soothing in a way he didn’t realize he needed. Slowly, the muscles of his face relaxed and his eyes felt heavy. Buck fought to keep them open, not ready to let go of the gentle touch keeping him grounded.

“You and I aren’t saying goodbye for a very long time” though her tone was the same lulling gentleness to match her hand, he could hear the fear in her voice; the determination.

“I promise.” He tried to smile at her but now that he’d released his muscles, they refused to work. In fact, thinking beyond the here and now was quickly becoming a problem. And he had so many questions.

“Ah wha, uh”

Hen seemed to understand what he didn’t even know he was asking, and explained.

“You’ve been in and out of surgeries for a while now. I’m glad to see those pretty blue eyes open for the first time in weeks.”

He always knew she thought he was pretty (there were some things people could be objective about, and one of them was the fact that Evan Buckley was pretty). He’d have to tease Hen about it later. Wait…

“Weeks?”

Her hand stilled for just a moment, as if hesitating with how much to reveal. In the end, she continued her soothing words. “You did a lot of damage this time.”

If he’d been in and out of surgery for _weeks_ , he must have done something pretty bad. Not done, per se (he hadn’t meant to fall and impale himself). Still, he almost didn’t want to ask about what all had happened to his body. Not to mention the words he’d said. Nothing he’d told his friends wasn’t true but damn, there were some things he never thought he’d confess. He’d told Chimney he thought of him as a brother, he’d encouraged Hen to leave, he’d told Bobby they were family, he’d told Eddie…

Oh no.

“I told Eddie I loved him.” How could he have been so stupid. Granted, at the time, there was more blood on the outside of his body than on the inside but that was no excuse for opening his heart the way he remembered.

Hen stopped his mental rantings with a firmer pass of her hand, pulling him back to reality. “There were a lot of things said to a lot of people.” Her voice was sad but calming. “Don’t worry about it too much right now.”

The problem was, now that the thought had developed, all the subsequent fear and worry came flooding through before he could close the gates as requested. Everything was swirling around him at once, demanding attention, taunting him with all the potential consequences. Everything hurt all over again.

His wince must have been obvious because Hen immediately removed her hand to look him straight on. He immediately missed her warmth. “What’s wrong?”

How to sum it all up. “My head hurts.” As succinct as he could be.

She smiled sympathetically. “To be expected. You hit your head so hard some of the cement broke through your skull, you were leaking spinal fluid and a lot of blood.” That would explain the headache, he almost chuckled. “And then when you landed on your back, you hit your T7 and it caused some swelling which is why you couldn’t feel your lower extremities.” Thank god for small miracles that the swelling seemed to be subsiding. “On top of that, the pipe punctured your small intestine. Nearly severed it, actually. It was a lot of surgery and a lot of praying.”

Maybe he wasn’t so misguided to think that he was nearer to death than he’d ever been before. Maybe that would help ease some of his guilt and other’s pain knowing how close he’d come and yet survived. Maybe. Or maybe it would only make others more warry of letting him out into the field again once he recovered from this. And he would recover. Just like he recovered from everything else in his life.

“But, I’m okay now” he hazarded, just to be sure.

Again, Hen smiled, this one a little kinder, perhaps hearing those words for the first time. “As okay as someone who fell four stories onto a metal rod and sustained significant brain damage could be.”

When she said it like that, Buck was reminded of Chimney all those years ago and the miracle of his survival. Maybe there was someone looking out for the 118. Regardless, after Hen’s list of injuries, he knew he was in for a long journey to recovery. Starting with clearing his tattered throat.

“Is there water or something?”

Hen reached a hand to the table at his side and placed a small plastic cup in his hands, partially melted, but blessedly cold. “There’s ice chips.” Once he had popped one rounded sliver into his mouth, almost moaning in delight as the cool liquid filled his body, she ran one last hand through his hair and stood.

“You get started on those and I’ll tell the doctor you’re awake.”

He never thought he’d be so grateful for ice chips in his entire life but they were the oasis in the desert that was his mouth, so he indulged for just a moment. However, he called out to her when she reached the doorway from which she’d initially apparated.

“Hen?” The background of the hospital and dark of the doorframe really did make her look like an angel. “I meant it. Thank you.” Every word he’d said – even if he never meant to say them, he meant every word.

Hen’s eyes were glistening when she smiled fondly. “I’ll see you in a bit, sweetheart.”

* * *

Once those pretty blue eyes were open full time, Buck was never alone. Of course, there were times when no one else was in his hospital room or by his side while he awaited test results, but he never felt alone. Mostly, it was Maddie, holding his hand a little too tightly and reminding him of how much she loved and needed him. Clearly, Chimney had gotten around to telling her what he’d done and was now constantly trapped between loving and hating her baby brother for his melodramatic ways.

Except, it hadn’t been melodramatic. He may not have been able to feel much of the pain but he could still taste the fear on his tongue; touch the regret at his fingertips; hear the resignation in his head. He had been prepared to die down there and now that he was alive, there were a lot of words still dancing around his memory that he never thought he’d hear again.

Everyone from the 118 came to see him at one point, even if just for a moment. And he apologized to every single one of them for the pain in their eyes. Most forgave him, told him to be a little more patient next time. Brady had smuggled in some of the yogurt cups he ‘happened to acquire’ as a token of his comradery. Anderson let him pet the cat he’d rescued (and convinced his husband to let him adopt) which definitely helped with the healing process.

Hen had cried a little more once they’d sat down and talked it out. Chimney had pulled a similar routine to Maddie and yelled at him for being so reckless with words but then hugged him so hard, he likely had another bruise on his back (not that he’d be able to notice, everything was still sore back there). Bobby had been quiet for a long time before holding Buck’s hand and telling him not to force him into early retirement – squeezing a moment later and whispering ‘you’ll be all right, son’ which had made both of them cry.

Eddie hadn’t talked to him about it. He was one of the first people to visit (once Buck was actually allowed visitors) and he’d expressed happiness at seeing Buck awake, but it felt false. After that, Eddie seemed to make it his mission to never be alone with Buck. He came in with other crew members, he brought Christopher or Carla along as a buffer – not that Buck was complaining.

For a while, Buck wondered if this was Eddie’s way of pulling away because his confession had made him uncomfortable. There wasn’t a ton of room for misinterpretation so perhaps Eddie was waiting until he was out of the hospital to let him down gently.

He really wasn’t looking forward to that.

As the weeks of recovery went by, Buck’s strength returned, his wounds healed, and Eddie’s face became a legend of emotions to Buck. He spent every moment he got, learning what his expressions meant, trying to decipher the sad, worried look in his eyes. The more he observed, the more Buck wondered if Eddie was preparing to let him down, or make a confession of his own.

The last night before his release, a shadow came across his door and stayed there. Buck didn’t have to open his eyes to know who was leaning against the doorframe, watching him. 

“I can hear you thinking” he grumbled, lifting one eye open to see Eddie shyly ducking his head.

“Sorry.”

But then, all Buck could do was stare. Something about the way he stood there, fists clenched in his pockets, eyes never leaving his, that sent Buck’s heart monitor dancing. This felt like a moment he was meant to remember.

“Hi.” He winced; not the most eloquent of openings but if it made Eddie smile like that, it must have been correct.

“Hi” Eddie echoed back.

In all their time together, Buck had never been at a loss for words. Looking at Eddie now, his mind was blank. “I don’t know what to say” he confessed.

His partner grew silent for a moment, choosing his words carefully. It only made Buck more nervous but he didn’t dare interrupt. “I’m really glad you’re okay.”

Eddie had said that the first day he’d been in to see him. It carried a heavier weight tonight.

He tried to lighten it with a soft smile. “Doctors say I’m a modern miracle.”

Eddie snorted, rolling his eyes and it only made Buck’s smile brighter. “You already knew that.”

“I’m just glad I get to go home tomorrow.” Home to an empty apartment and two weeks of time off to sit and contemplate his existence. Great.

“I feel like I should just wrap you in bubble wrap after this.” Maybe that wasn’t such a crazy idea, Buck conceded. The amount of times he’d been in a hospital bed over the years. He wondered if the nurses ever missed him.

Now wasn’t the time for contemplating those things. He had Eddie alone and he was not going to miss his opportunity. If Eddie was going to let him down, he was going to do it here and now. If there was anything Buck had learned recently, it was that he needed to say what he meant before it was too late.

“I hear you saved me.”

Eddie shook his head, ever modest; but irrefutably quieter. “I got you out. The doctors saved you.”

Now or never.

“About what I said down there”

“Don’t worry about it.” Eddie straightened but didn’t leave the doorway, his voice urgent but not cruel.

“No. I meant it” Buck explained, hoping that the words coming out of his mouth would match the emotions in his brain. “All these years and I haven’t figured you out yet. But you’re important to me, and I didn’t think I’d get another chance to say it.” He should have said it sooner.

“But you will” Eddie insisted. “When you’re at home and you’re hugging Christopher and we can put this whole thing behind us.”

His words stopped Buck’s heart (though the consistent beeping in the corner of his mind reminded him that it was thankfully a metaphor). For all the times they skirted around each other, Eddie had never said it to him before.

“Home?”

It felt right. To think of home as Eddie and Christopher at the end of a long day, curled up on the couch, or sitting around the dinner table, or reading a bedtime story that turned into a tickle fight.

Slowly, Eddie nodded, his face growing soft with a gentle smile. “You’ll always have a home with me, Buck. Doesn’t matter what we are.” Before Buck could question his words, Eddie ducked his head and continued. “And uh there was something I wanted to talk to you about when you get out of here.”

He was going to let him down gently, Buck thought; but he shook his broken heart away as quickly as he could. Somehow, he knew that Eddie’s ‘something’ should bring him hope.

“Okay” he nodded helplessly.

As if sensing his thoughts (and maybe he could), Eddie quickly shook his head. “Nothing bad” he promised, eyes shining against the harsh, white light. “I’m just really glad you’re okay.”

The two men stared at each other for a long moment, Buck willing Eddie to tell him now – at least give him some hint as to what it could be. He got his answer when Eddie slowly made his way across the darkened room and pressed his lips to Buck’s in the briefest of kisses that sent pins and needles over his body.

When Eddie moved back, it was only far enough to look Buck in the eye and whisper “more incentive to heal.”

If the power of hope could actually mend broken bones, Buck would be dancing around the room. That breathless optimism only increased when Eddie said “I’ll be by to pick you up in the morning.”

“You sure you don’t want to stay?” Buck’s traitorous mouth pleaded before his mind could get over the fact that Eddie had kissed him. The moment he said it, though, it felt right.

He found himself more than a little disappointed when Eddie shook his head and stood away. “I have a guest bedroom to make up.” His heart jumped again and this time, the monitor picked it up, making them both smile. Buck might not have been able to memorize every one of Eddie’s looks in the time he’d been studying, but this one, he’d come to label ‘adoration’. It was the look he gave to Christopher in the quiet moments when they weren’t doing anything special, but they were doing it together.

Eddie confessed “I’m not letting you out of my sight for a while” as if Buck would ever protest.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it. I hope this soothed some of the wounds inflicted. Kudos and Comments are always appreciated (I promise, I see everyone of them and I your encouragement fuels me).


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